


Things the Kindred are Not Allowed to Do in LA

by steveelotaku



Category: Vampire: The Masquerade
Genre: Humor, Other, Skippy's List
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2021-01-23 00:40:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21311275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steveelotaku/pseuds/steveelotaku
Summary: It's Skippy's List/Mr. Welch in the Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines setting. What more do you need?
Comments: 3
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

1\. Prince LaCroix does not own a water company.  
2\. His private reserve is vitae and he is not bottling it and selling it.  
3\. Jeanette Voermann is not Harley Quinn.  
4\. Nor is Therese's favourite Batman villain Two-Face.  
5\. The very concept of "Rave at the Ocean House Hotel" is a Masquerade violation.  
6\. Smilin' Jack's ringtone is not "Yo Ho, a Pirate's Life for Me"  
7\. It's not "You Are a Pirate", either.  
8\. "I Shot the Sheriff" is not a good thing to play in LaCroix's office.  
9\. Besides, he has no deputy.  
10\. Paying off the Tzimisce to get Romero a steady supply of girlfriends is in poor taste at best and a Masquerade violation at worst.  
11\. As tempting as it is, not allowed to troll Death Mask Productions by asking if they have Prince Albert in a can.  
12\. Prince Albert was diablerized, it's in poor taste.  
13\. So was he.  
14\. Malkavians are not allowed to write entries on this list. --Nines.  
15\. Nines Rodriguez is not related to Robert Rodriguez, much as he might wish he was.  
16\. Hotboxing the Nosferatu Warrens is counterproductive. Besides, they know where you live.  
17\. The Malkavian Primogen is not Albert Wesker.  
18\. He isn't the Mad Hatter, either.  
19\. The Society of Leopold is not a classical music appreciation group, and it is wrong to tell Thin-Bloods it is.  
20\. It is, however, hilarious.  
21\. The Tzimisce is not to be addressed as "Count Chocula", "Pinhead", "Extreme Makeover: Kindred Edition", or "Herbert West, Re-Animator."  
22\. "Camarilla in the streets, Anarch in the sheets" is not the motto of Therese Voermann.  
23\. Declaring yourself "Sabbat in the sheets" isn't a Masquerade violation but it should be.  
24\. Can't just blame everything on Sabbat-tage.  
25\. Puns are punishable by death--Ming Xiao  
26\. Maximillian Strauss is not Morpheus.  
27\. The Gargoyle is not a defender of the night, nor does he sound like Keith David.  
28\. Never ask "Where wolf?" around a Gangrel.  
29\. Calling Nines "Zapata" is inadvisable. Calling Damsel "Che" is inviting Final Death.  
30\. Despite all the Opera billboards, the Toreador have nothing to do with them.  
31\. Despite the obsession with stars, living in an underground cave next to a lake, and bringing karmic retribution to unpleasant people, Gary Golden is not the Phantom.  
32\. Imalia does not just need to go see the Tzimisce for plastic surgery.  
33\. Seeing the Tzimisce for plastic surgery is an automatic Masquerade violation.  
34\. Pointing out that the Internet cafe smells of blood is counterproductive.  
35\. Despite wearing trench coats and wielding katana replicas purchased at the mall, vampire hunters are not all neckbeards.  
36\. Not allowed to do the Thriller dance in the cemetery.  
37\. Seriously, Romero will shoot you.  
38\. Saying "Kindred are friends, not food" around a wereshark will get you exactly what you deserve.  
39\. Using the Red Eyes protean power is always a violation of the Masquerade. No, no one will believe you're just stoned.  
40\. Celerity is not a replacement for the Taxi system.  
41\. Not reporting to the Prince because you were seeing your "Auntie Diluvian" is not an excuse.  
42\. No matter how funny you think you are, "It belongs in a museum" has already been said about the Ankaran Sarcophagus.   
43\. Prince LaCroix does not just want his mummy.  
44\. Pointing out that his office looks like the ballroom from Beauty and the Beast isn't helpful.  
45\. No Kindred Prince is a Disney Prince, and stop trying to make the comparison.  
46\. The Kuei-Jin were not all kung fu fighting.  
47\. Pointing out there's actually more Japanese than Chinese references in Chinatown is not helpful.  
48\. Pointing out that Velvet Velour is a Vampire who works at Vesuvius is not an invitation to quote V for Vendetta.  
49\. Not allowed to use War Form to pick up furries at the Internet cafe.  
50\. Advising Neonates "Don't open it" to letters from Prince LaCroix is strongly inadvisable.  
51\. The Sheriff is not Cloud Strife.  
52\. Breaking the Masquerade on Deb of Night is still breaking the Masquerade, no matter how unbelievable any caller on the show is.


	2. More Things the Kindred are Not Allowed to Do in LA

53\. "We don't need no water, let the motherf****** burn" is not the battle cry for fighting the Sabbat.  
54\. Flamethrowers are acceptable weapons against Kindred. Dancing around to Disco Inferno afterwards is tasteless.  
55\. The Ventrue are not picky eaters who just need to eat what's put in front of them.  
56\. Singing "A Meticulous Analysis of History" around any vampire of at least 8th generation isn't smart. Chances are they were around for it.  
57\. Do sing the Napoleon verse around Prince Lacroix though.--Jeanette Voermann  
58\. Despite the name, Anarchs are not anarchists. Neither are the Brujah, despite the emblem. We have an order. --Nines  
59\. The Sheriff is not the Camarilla Magilla Gorilla.  
60\. "Tzimisce" is not pronounced "Steve."  
61\. Their favourite show isn't "Skins," either.  
62\. Red Dragon staff are not always Chaotic Evil.  
63\. Flailing your arms around at random is acceptable dancing. It is, however, questionable combat technique.  
64\. Nines will be happy to teach you how to fight. He will not, however, teach you how to do a drive-by on some sucka Sabbat.  
65\. The Tremere Chantry is not the Sanctum Sancotrum, nor is the Tremere Primogen "The Ancient One," no matter how old he really is.  
66\. The LaSombra do not revere Darkman as their progenitor.  
67\. Neither do the Nosferatu revere Count Orlok. Ask about their progenitor at your peril.  
68\. The Count from Sesame Street is not the Tzimisce primogen and it is wrong to tell Thin-Bloods he is.  
69\. So is letting Thin-Bloods anywhere near the Tzimisce.  
70\. If I offer Ge-Henna Tattoos I had better be Malkavian to excuse the sheer stupidity.  
71\. The Book of Nod is not a Command & Conquer strategy guide.  
72\. The Gargoyles are not "Stone Protectors", "Goldar", "Putty Patrollers", or any other early 90s pop culture reference.  
73\. There is no Head Vampire, and even if there were it wouldn't be Marge Simpson or Mr. Burns.  
74\. The Giovanni may be necromancers, but that does not mean you get to hum "Skeleton Warriors" or "Spooky Scary Skeletons" as you fight them.  
75\. The Giovanni are not after your Pikachu.  
  



	3. Even More Things...

76\. Trombones did not lead the big parade.  
77\. Who let the Malkavians back in the chat? And please, for the love of Caine, tell me that wasn't foreshadowing something--Nines.  
78\. SchreckNet is not a place to post "SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME" memes.  
79\. SchreckNet is not love, nor is it life.   
80\. Unless you're Nosferatu.  
81\. Cannot declare a Blood Hunt on stop signs.   
82\. Calling into Deb of Night with the contents of Jeanette's little black book is inviting Final Death.  
83\. Not allowed to place Confession's turnstile in the Nosferatu warrens. We've lost enough Kindred as it is.  
84\. It is wrong to tell Thin-Bloods that the underground lakes in the Nosferatu warrens are hot tubs.  
85\. "Here Comes The Sun", "Mr. Blue Sky", and any other similar songs are permanently banned from the Asp Hole or The Asylum.  
86\. Not allowed to use the Ankaran Sarcophagus to keep blood packs cold.  
87\. "It fell off the back of a truck" may be where you got that SPAS-15, but that will not satisfy the cops when you open fire in a diner. No, not even in self-defense.  
88\. "Old Man Yells at Cloud" is not a sophisticated critique of Camarilla politics.  
89\. If you have to ask, it is probably a Masquerade violation.  
90\. Can't get a bunch of clown masks or hockey masks and rob the blood bank, no matter how extortionate their prices.  
91\. Not allowed to question why every phone has a rotary dial after the turn of the millennium. It's called aesthetics, people.  
92\. "Aesthetics" is not a euphemism for "the Primogen are a bunch of old farts"  
93\. Even if that's true.  
94\. Tempting as it may be, do not walk into the Society of Leopold headquarters wearing 20 rosaries and a Buddy Christ shirt singing "Rapping for Jesus." We will not be responsible for any stakings or Final Death.  
95\. The motto of the Society of Leopold is not "DEUS VULT", and it is wrong to challenge them to Crusader Kings.  
96\. Besides, they always win.  
97\. "That is not dead that can eternal lie" does not mean any ancient vampire is Cthulhu.  
98\. The Prince is not the Artist Formerly Known as LaCroix, a clan symbol of indeterminate meaning or origin, and he is most definitely not the Partyman.  
99\. Even if he does rock a party like nobody can. With 110 cornettes right behind him.--Malkavian Steve  
100\. Not allowed to declare Blood Hunts on the entire Malkavian clan, even if it's tempting.--Smilin' Jack.


	4. More and More Things...

101\. Dalmatians, along with any other animals, cannot be Embraced. Please stop trying.  
102\. If you're really desperate for a vampire pet, get a Gangrel to conjure some animals up for you.--Jeanette Voermann  
103\. DO NOT DO THE ABOVE. SERIOUSLY.--Beckett  
104\. Offering to replace Gary Golden's Beethoven records with Bella Morte records will earn you, at best, a sideways look.  
105\. Actually replacing them will result in Final Death.  
106\. While I may be pale, like to dress all in black, be technically dead, and spend a lot of my time fighting violent sociopaths, I am not The Crow.  
107\. No, not even if I summon Nightmist Ravens.  
108\. Not allowed to comment on the fact most clubs seem to only ever play one song.  
109\. The Lasombra do not have The Darkness.  
110\. The Lasombra are not John Cena, even if you can't see them. Neither are the Nosferatu.  
111\. Saying "Okay, Primogen" as a sarcastic response is tacky.  
112\. The Antitribu are not a rock band, and the Sabbat Shovelheads are not a sports team. And yes, it is wrong to tell Thin-Bloods they are.  
113: Thin-Bloods are not hemophiliacs.  
114\. Not allowed to flaunt the Masquerade under the guise of LARPing.  
115\. "What We Do In The Shadows" is not a documentary about the Primogen.  
116\. Singing "Prince LaCroix" to the tune of "Prince Ali" is a stakeable offense.  
117\. Showing the "Horror Tape" to people and filming their reactions is a Masquerade violation.  
118\. Beckett is not to be addressed as "Transylvania Jones", "Vampire Croft: Tomb Raider", or any similar epithet.  
119\. Pointing out that the Anarch symbol is just the Camarilla and Sabbat ones mashed together is counterproductive.  
120\. The Prince's office is in Venture Towers, and it is not called "Cama Lot."  
121\. Just because Prince LaCroix owns Venture Towers and is a Ventrue, I can't open Gangerl Towers, Toreardo Towers, Nosfertau Towers, Tremeer Towers, or any other such similar place.  
122\. Attaching "Evil Villain Lair" signs to the Sabbat Warehouse is tantamount to suicide.  
123\. "Uphold the Masquerade" means "Leave no witnesses," not "Leave no survivors."  
124\. "The Count Censored" is not the theme song of the Toreador.   
125\. "Uncle F***a is not the theme song of the Giovanni.  
126\. "The Stonecutters' Song" is not the theme song of the Tremere.  
127\. "C.R.E.A.M." is not the theme song of the Ventrue.  
128\. "All Star" is not the theme song of the Nosferatu.   
129\. "Killing In The Name Of" is, in fact, the Brujah theme song. As are most songs by Rage Against the Machine.  
130\. If I'm buying a Clash album for a Brujah, it better not be "Cut the Crap."  
131\. Gangrel do not yiff. The debate is over, people.  
132\. Gangrel are not "Werewolves, Mark II."  
133\. Nor do they watch Teen Wolf.  
134\. Pointing out that Dr. Gimble is a one-armed man does not make you the Fugitive.  
135\. The Camarilla's theme song is not "Masquerade" from Phantom of the Opera.  
136\. The Sabbat's theme song is not "I Can't Decide."  
137\. The Anarch theme song is not "Rock and Roll All Night."  
138\. None of the Kindred can "party every day," and you know it.  
139\. The Werewolves, Mark II clan does not have a silver allergy, nor does it have a mating season, or shed, or otherwise react to the full moon.  
140\. It is wrong to tell Neonates that vampire sparkle in the sunlight.  
141\. I can't use Gehenna as an excuse to call off work for Prince LaCroix.  
142\. The answer to everything is not Dominate.


	5. More and More...

143\. Not allowed to join wrestling federations to flaunt the Masquerade. Even in Hollywood, a wrestling Gangrel draws the wrong kind of attention.  
144\. Even if there's a Lasombra doing a ritual under the public library, not allowed to make Ghostbusters references there.  
145\. Not allowed to tell Ghouls I'm the keymaster and they're the gatekeeper.  
146\. Not allowed to spoil the Nosferatu's Halloween. It's the one night a year they can get away with going to the surface uncovered.  
147\. Even if I have a controlling stake in the Confession nightclub, I am still not allowed to recreate the club scene from Blade.  
148\. If I saw it Underworld, it's safe to say it probably violates the Masquerade.  
149\. Going "One abomination against God, two abominations against God, three abominations against God! Ah ah ah!" in front of the Tzimisce will get you exactly what you deserve.  
150\. If I see Smilin' Jack sweet-talking a girl, I had better not ruin it by asking him if he's searching for his pirate's booty.  
151\. Especially not in a horrible fake pirate accent.  
152\. "Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of blood" is not Smilin' Jack's motto.  
153\. Yes, we all saw Van Helsing. No, that does not mean we're going to start making stake-launching crossbows for use against the Sabbat. Do you really want to give the Society of Leopold ideas?  
154\. As much as it may be a haven for perverts, trolls, and a front for snuff films, killing everyone in the internet cafe is still a Humanity loss.  
155\. There are better uses of my vitae than "vampire Viagra."  
156\. Though it technically should be, Malkavian fashion isn't a Masquerade violation.--VV.  
157\. The Cat in the Hat knows far more than you ever will--Malkavian Steve.  
158\. The Toreador do too have a safe word.  
159\. The Sabbat, however, do not.  
160\. The Camarilla do not appreciate being referred to as "The Man", nor do they appreciate anyone sticking it to them.


End file.
